Are you going to die, mommy?

It’s enough to break a mother’s heart to hear these words.  The question usually comes in the dark when I am on my knees at my boys’ bedsides saying goodnight.  “Of course I’m going to die,” I want to say. “We’re all going to die.”  But I know that this is not the answer they are looking for.  This is when I am forced to hold my head high, hold back the tears and say, “You don’t have to worry about that.  Mommy is going to be just fine.”

I don’t want my children to worry about me and I don’t want them to see me hanging my head low because I have a disease.  (By the way, I hate the “D” word.  Ack!)  But I do want them to understand the weight of the decision on my shoulders in regard to how I battle RA physically and spiritually.  But most importantly, I want them to know that I trust God with my life.  He is holding my hand through each day.  Some days, I forget to take His hand and I let fear and sadness creep in.  That’s when it becomes about me and I lose focus.  I get off track.  This disease is SO NOT about me.

I know my children are carefully observing my character–with a microscope!  I have to be accountable to God and praise Him in the valley, praise Him in the midst of my storm because my boys are more likely to do what I do and not what I say when they face a storm of their own.  It sure is easier to say that I’m going to praise God through the pain and inflammation, than actually do it with joy and praise.  Folks, I believe that He is sanctifying believers for the day that we will live in His presence.  If I can get my heart and mind around that, than this is a win win for everyone.  This is where the spiritual walk takes precedence over the physical battle for me.  Am I really living for Him?  Am I really sold out for Jesus?  In my heart and spirit, I am in love with my God, my Redeemer, my Savior.  But I must constantly battle my inner man, my sinful nature, my self-centerdness, to stay on track.  And who am I?  I’m just a girl that is trusting her God one day at a time.  I mean, He is God after all and His Word will not return void!

The verse below was in a devotional my husband read this morning.  It spoke to my heart.

We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves.  Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.  For even Christ did not please himself.  Romans 15:1-3

And let’s not forget prayer!  We have an ultimate power source at our fingertips and it doesn’t require a physically functional body to take advantage of it.  Amen?

I praise God that at this point in my boys’ lives they trust God.  It is their choice.  I pray they continue to trust Him.  Here is a mother’s day card from one of my boys.  It too is enough to break a mother’s heart.